Just Say NO to Shunning

[viennabelle]

Over the weekend, I got word of yet another incident where one costumer felt another costumer had slighted her. In retaliation, she got all her friends to shun the offending costumer.
 
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen or heard word of this kind of treatment. Word of these incidents are getting so common that it's gone to the point where I feel it’s time I can't be silent any more. I, who don't post frequently, felt I had to de-lurk to speak out on this subject.
 
In this incident, as with others, nobody bothered to permit the offending costumer a chance to defend herself—to find out if the slight was intentional—or if it even occurred. Instead, punishment was meted out with no explanation to the offender, who found herself inexplicably expelled from expected social interactions.
 
Geesh—how on earth did our hobby become such a club of mean girls?
 
Shunning is identified by psychologists as a form of bullying behavior and has been clinically connected with depression, PTSD and suicide. I’ve been shunned in the past and it was a mystifying and heartbreaking experience.
 
If you’ve done this, look objectively at the person you are shunning and decide if your hurt is really worth getting personally perceived as a mean-spirited bully. While some may follow you on your campaign of retaliation—word will spread, as it did to me this weekend. Believe me—when my friend shared word of this incident, my only perception of the incident was that the retribution was mean, petty and vindictive.
 
It only ended up hurting the bullying costumer's reputation, not the woman who may or may have not slighted her. I"m not going to shun this costumer, but I'm definitely going to be wary of her. Other friends of mine are taking care to completely avoid her.

Now of my friend list here--I honestly don't think anyone would act like this--but I think we have to get Zero-tollerant on this kind of behavior. Children are taught to fight shunning behavior in elementary schools--isn't it about time that we act better than 5th graders?

So, I'm writing this as a open post and hoping it's a subject we start talking about at events and here online. Maybe if more folks write about it in their own LJs and blogs, it might stop. We are the majority, not the bullies. It's time we stood up for civility.

Comments

[virginiadear.livejournal.com]

There's also the obverse of the coin, which is where does the victim mentality come from that takes offense so readily?
When did so many people become so thin-skinned? When did they decide that it's desirable to be offended by what is often, in the very grand scheme of things, something inconsequential?

And what are these "slights?" Viennabelle brings up an excellent point: was the perceived slight intentional, and for that matter did it actually occur?
On the internet, especially on social networking venues such as LiveJournal, I've noticed that the omission of "squee"-ing seems to be a capital offense. If that one person isn't overwhelmed with awe, admiration and envy and saying so, why...! And a lot of indignation and outrage ensues.

[viennabelle.livejournal.com]

My impression is that most of these hullabaloos usually start when the offender fails to respond as the bully expects: praise wasn't sufficient, apology wasn't genuine/didn't occur, she failed to respond/appreciate me, something/someone wasn't noticed/acknowledged, etc.

Look, anyone in the wrong mood can overreact when someone looks sideways at them. We all get hurt and let our emotions take over. What we have to do is to generate a peer environment that doesn't tolerate retribution when this occurs.

I'm hoping more of us will ask the critical question when they see a friend winding out of control over a slight: "did you talk to her about it?"

Anti-bullying programs works in schools. They start by developing peer support for norms that let bystanders feel supported when they stand out against bullying behavior. Maybe we need to promote something like that in our hobby?

[virginiadear.livejournal.com]

I agree that each of us will get hurt from time to time, and allow our emotions to play us up, but it seems to me that the key here is not to ACT on them, not to "allow [them] to take over.".

It seems to me that the "injured" or "slighted" party needs to bear in mind something written by Machiavelli, that the ultimate exercise of power is restraint. Yes, he was talking about politics and militia, but I think it applies.
The happiest and kindest people I know, and know of, are those who don't permit themselves to be troubled over such things.

And among adults, this sort of refereeing shouldn't be necessary.
And it seems to me that among adults of conscience "developing peer support for norms that let bystanders feel supported when they stand out against bullying behavior" ought to be unnecessary and the need for it is not just lamentable but pathetic! Are we as adults so timid, so frightened that someone else might disagree with us or that we might be the lone voice of reason in a mob, that we keep silent????

As long as we're talking about refereeing, though, what about the too-common internet forum practice of "dog-piling" or "piling on?"
Frequently in those cases it isn't even the principal who's been offended, but a friend of hers: "How DARE you suggest that there isn't historical evidence for Thus-and Such? My FRIEND would NEVER make a historical error and you're just snarking" and then the rest of the crowd gathers round to join in the stoning.

[viennabelle.livejournal.com]

I chuckled when I read your line "And among adults, this sort of refereeing shouldn't be necessary." My first reaction to the story was "grow up!" (no, I don't know how to do italics or bold either ;-))

The anti bullying training I've received really drove home that the critical actors are the bystanders. A single person speaking for civility can often break the chain. As MLK said, “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends“ If a bully isn't resisted--either by the victim or bystanders, they will continue because the activity leaves them with a sense of vindication.

But to do this--to stop the dog piling--takes bravery--peer support can help that.