Just Say NO to Shunning

[viennabelle]

Over the weekend, I got word of yet another incident where one costumer felt another costumer had slighted her. In retaliation, she got all her friends to shun the offending costumer.
 
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen or heard word of this kind of treatment. Word of these incidents are getting so common that it's gone to the point where I feel it’s time I can't be silent any more. I, who don't post frequently, felt I had to de-lurk to speak out on this subject.
 
In this incident, as with others, nobody bothered to permit the offending costumer a chance to defend herself—to find out if the slight was intentional—or if it even occurred. Instead, punishment was meted out with no explanation to the offender, who found herself inexplicably expelled from expected social interactions.
 
Geesh—how on earth did our hobby become such a club of mean girls?
 
Shunning is identified by psychologists as a form of bullying behavior and has been clinically connected with depression, PTSD and suicide. I’ve been shunned in the past and it was a mystifying and heartbreaking experience.
 
If you’ve done this, look objectively at the person you are shunning and decide if your hurt is really worth getting personally perceived as a mean-spirited bully. While some may follow you on your campaign of retaliation—word will spread, as it did to me this weekend. Believe me—when my friend shared word of this incident, my only perception of the incident was that the retribution was mean, petty and vindictive.
 
It only ended up hurting the bullying costumer's reputation, not the woman who may or may have not slighted her. I"m not going to shun this costumer, but I'm definitely going to be wary of her. Other friends of mine are taking care to completely avoid her.

Now of my friend list here--I honestly don't think anyone would act like this--but I think we have to get Zero-tollerant on this kind of behavior. Children are taught to fight shunning behavior in elementary schools--isn't it about time that we act better than 5th graders?

So, I'm writing this as a open post and hoping it's a subject we start talking about at events and here online. Maybe if more folks write about it in their own LJs and blogs, it might stop. We are the majority, not the bullies. It's time we stood up for civility.

Comments

[virginiadear.livejournal.com]

Ah, but my dear---so many of us are downright Pharisaical about...so many things.
In other words, people have to recognize that they are actually engaging in a wrong, hurtful, or unjust behavior---they have to confront themselves and be completely unable to rationalize away whatever it is they do that they ought not be doing in the first place, and not simply recognize it in others.
They have all sorts of explanations to excuse their actions, to themselves and their like-minded friends or cohorts.
They have a thousand ways to make it right if they engage in it, but of course it's wrong when others do it. In other words, bullies never see themselves as bullies, just as snarks either never see themselves as snarks or they make snarking all right to do because "[They] don't say it to the person's face so no feelings are hurt."
No?
Can they be sure it never gets repeated? The Chinese say, "How many can keep a secret? One."

At any rate, believing themselves to be totally good eggs, even if humanly flawed, is how they go on bullying and being okay with doing it.

I expect I'll have infuriated a lot of those people who read your journal. That will be in part because in order to explain and defend my personal beliefs on this and related topics, I'd be writing a thesis, and a very long, wordy thesis at that, far too wordy for a LiveJournal comment.

So, let me sum up as succinctly as I can:
Have you seen that quotation on the public page of my journal? "We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts."

[kass-rants.livejournal.com]

I applaud you for writing this. It is certainly the right thing. But I also think virginiadear has a very good point. "They" (whomever "they" may be) always think their actions are justified. They always think they're in the right. They always think the shunned person deserves it. They always don't think they're being mean but "justified" by the terrible slight.

I have to admit that I often find it all too reminiscent of high school and I tend to go my own way, just like I did back then.

[heidilea.livejournal.com]

Are you serious? I thought we were all adults here. I'm appalled that someone would act in that manner!

[kass-rants.livejournal.com]

I feel like somehow I haven't said this plainly enough: Brava, viennabelle, for trying to stop this silliness and standing up for civility.