Just Say NO to Shunning

[viennabelle]

Over the weekend, I got word of yet another incident where one costumer felt another costumer had slighted her. In retaliation, she got all her friends to shun the offending costumer.
 
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen or heard word of this kind of treatment. Word of these incidents are getting so common that it's gone to the point where I feel it’s time I can't be silent any more. I, who don't post frequently, felt I had to de-lurk to speak out on this subject.
 
In this incident, as with others, nobody bothered to permit the offending costumer a chance to defend herself—to find out if the slight was intentional—or if it even occurred. Instead, punishment was meted out with no explanation to the offender, who found herself inexplicably expelled from expected social interactions.
 
Geesh—how on earth did our hobby become such a club of mean girls?
 
Shunning is identified by psychologists as a form of bullying behavior and has been clinically connected with depression, PTSD and suicide. I’ve been shunned in the past and it was a mystifying and heartbreaking experience.
 
If you’ve done this, look objectively at the person you are shunning and decide if your hurt is really worth getting personally perceived as a mean-spirited bully. While some may follow you on your campaign of retaliation—word will spread, as it did to me this weekend. Believe me—when my friend shared word of this incident, my only perception of the incident was that the retribution was mean, petty and vindictive.
 
It only ended up hurting the bullying costumer's reputation, not the woman who may or may have not slighted her. I"m not going to shun this costumer, but I'm definitely going to be wary of her. Other friends of mine are taking care to completely avoid her.

Now of my friend list here--I honestly don't think anyone would act like this--but I think we have to get Zero-tollerant on this kind of behavior. Children are taught to fight shunning behavior in elementary schools--isn't it about time that we act better than 5th graders?

So, I'm writing this as a open post and hoping it's a subject we start talking about at events and here online. Maybe if more folks write about it in their own LJs and blogs, it might stop. We are the majority, not the bullies. It's time we stood up for civility.

Comments

[virginiadear.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Kass.
I, too, applaud viennabelle for writing this.

Actually I believe that all of us, at one time or another, is Pharisaical about one thing or another.
I know, though, that the public school system I attended, and my parents and my school mates' parents all demanded of us that we think before we made an accusation. Is there another possible explanation than the one you're latching on to? Could it be the person you think is doing or thinking such-and-such, isn't? Could he or she have meant something else? Is it possible they're just distracted by pressures at school, at home, or at a part-time job?
Parents and teachers were very big on, "You have to walk for miles and miles in another man's moccasins before you know the road he treads. Put yourself in his position: what might explain what he has done/said?"
If you didn't get invited to that party, first ask yourself how well you like the kids throwing it and attending it. Ah---you just want to be included. And are you sure those are the people you want to be like, accepted by, and liked by? Do you really want to do the things rumor says are being done at their parties? (That was a manipulative bit of guilt-inducement by some parents.)
Actually we didn't seem to have a lot of that kind of fussing and whining going on, and quite a lot of what could have become big dust-ups did seem to get settled as viennabelle is advocating, only it was the two principals: "Did you mean ____" or "What you said/didn't say [did/didn't do] made me feel_______" and a civil response was made although I'll grant you it may not always have been sincere. Parents refused to allow their kids to behave in a way which reflected badly on them as parents.
Somewhere along the line that seems to have done an about-face, and the results we see in actions such as "shunning." Or in making accusations of snarking. Or in "piling on." ("Clothesline take-down." "Horse-collar take-down." "Personal foul, face mask." "Personal foul, holding." But no referee imposes an official penalty. Or at least, not a fair, objective one.)


Oh---it just hit me as I read your sentence, "They don't think they're being mean but 'justified' by the terrible slight [italics mine--virginiadear] That might be a key, because it seems to me that "slight" ought be that: slight. Small, slim, slender, not robust, of little consequence.
But somehow, these things roar out of control.


Now, I have to ask something unrelated to this topic, Kass, except that you used this in your comment. I've learned to make italics (mostly correctly) in comments, and I've learned to do bold-face type. How do I put in the "LJuser" with the link and the little LJuser head, into a comment, I mean? A PM is fine, if you're willing, so as not to hijack viennabelle's journal; I would be most appreciative. TIA!

[kass-rants.livejournal.com]

"They don't think they're being mean but 'justified' by the terrible slight [italics mine--virginiadear] That might be a key, because it seems to me that "slight" ought be that: slight. Small, slim, slender, not robust, of little consequence.
But somehow, these things roar out of control.

I've seen it happen right in front of my very eyes. The slight-er said something she thought was helpful and the slight-ee yelled that she was mean and went off to cry somewhere. I sat like a concussed duckling wondering how what I hear could have been misinterpretted so badly. Human communication. We don't all "receive" properly what other people are trying to "transmit". And if we're used to being drama queens to get attention, that just turns up the drama volume.

It reminds me of the time an occilating fan fell off the windowsill in my friend's dorm room. She was all, "It was the Dorm Ghost! Kass saw it too! It was creepy!" And I was all, "An occilating fan walked itself off the windowsill. Big deal."

Whatevah.

[virginiadear.livejournal.com]

Nae doubt: human communication. I'm with you on the transmitting and receiving.
What I believe I've observed is an awful lot of filtering based on personal psychological need: need for drama, need to be a victim (and, attaching that to concomitant polar thinking, thereby white-hatted,innocent, righteous and RIGHT, making the other person black-hatted, guilty, evil and WRONG), need for personal vindication....
There also seems to be quite a lot of projection (a la Jung) going on in those scuffles.

I've seen it happen, too. ("No, it isn't. The house does that as the weather gets colder: it's wood framed and wood sided and it groans as temperatures and humidity drop. Nothing grim happened over its ninety-three year history: what you're hearing is nothing more than physics in action." No, for them it has to be a malignant spirit.)
Often I'm at---used to be at--- the bottom of those dog-piles I mentioned, somewhere above, because when someone asks a question such as, "But can I justify doing thus-and-such," I take the question as literal and sincere, and I respond literally and sincerely, having completely misunderstood that the question, posed by an OP, is a cue for Squeeing Applause.

So not interesting! Took me only three years and a bit to figure that out (no one said I'm particularly bright), so today I rarely comment on anyone else's work, and I rarely display my own.

These folks do seem to love their drama, though.
Maybe they'd enjoy actual theater. (<--- Yes, I know: that's snide. Mea maxima culpa, "...and let the stoning commence.")

[kass-rants.livejournal.com]

Oh darling, you are opening a road that I have promised to be nice and not go down. But just let me say: SOOOOOO there with you!