viennabelle: (mourn)
Dave Mallinak passed away early this morning. I've been on crying jags since I woke up. I don't know how to make this make sense...because honestly, it doesn't.

What can I say. He was an eternal optimist and the most empathetic person you could imagine. When I last saw him, he was planning home renovations, costumes to sew and events he wanted to attend. He was also a great patriot--someone who truly lived history, insisted on casting his last ballot and let us know at the end how proud he was of his profession on behalf of our country. I got news of his downturn last night and planned to head to visit this morning and didn't make it out to the hospital. From what I understand, when he decided against a feeding tube, he acknowledged it was over and spent his last waking hours at peace. That anyone could be so graceful under the circumstances just seems so emblematic of his life. He was the consumate gentleman.


There's a side of me that expects to see him behind me, sewing with a wickedly amused expression, starting to giggle over moose jokes, dreaming of dragons, telling me the plot of the latest book he's read, cheering everyone up. In my mind, I can see Dave smiling, laughing and even concentrating--but frowning was not his way. I am so appreciative that he was my friend and I can't imagine him out of my life.

Right now, sitting here between tears, I'm just pretending he's here in the room now. In my mind, he is--though I still cannot take away my own regrets over the fears and pain he's had to deal with--or that he's not going to do all those things he wanted to do. I felt so helpless over that and it's not going away. I know that really isn't emblematic of his life, but it was the awful reality for the past months that he's been sick. So, I'm trying hard to think of his laugh, which was just the best.

 

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viennabelle

March 2013

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